Did Not Make It
On this day, I spaced sunset, and when I did step outside, between trees and bulidings I could see this great, red glow. I pedaled fast up for a view, hoping it would linger. I remember I felt so frustrated and so stupid: I had missed a beautiful moment in the world and for no good reason.
Missed opportunities are hard for me to let go of, especially when they are "dumb", like I forgot or the result of a misunderstanding. If I had just paid more attention, if I had just taken another moment to think about it, if, if, if... I remember taking some breaths, looking around me, and thinking, well, now I am here, and I love dusk, and I love the mountainside, and this moment is also beautiful.
There's truth in that; it is natural to comfort oneself; there's good in expanding perspective, "making the best of it": that was hard—what am I going to do, now? Thinking more generally, do I recast my grief and regret and anger too soon? I suppose there's a balance between sitting with difficult emotion, letting things simply be not ok, and then letting go of them or resolving, finding some way onward. Hmm, both are true at once, right? It's not ok, and, yet, here we are, and so somehow we find hope, pick it up, and look for some way. It's cyclical? Hmm, or is that too exhausting, repetitive? What's true healing? What's true living? What's whole? Can I hold both? Thinking back to that missed sunset, feeling sort of heavy and sad while I looked for beauty around me, is that holding both? is that whole? What other ways are there? How else can I think of it?